Especially in the 3-5 age range, when a tantrum begins the goal is not to silence your child at once; it is first to keep everyone safe, calm down together, and hold the limit. The time to teach begins only after calm has returned.
You are not alone
Dropping to the floor at the checkout, kicking when a toy is refused, screaming while getting dressed… Especially in the 3-5 age range, these scenes play out in many families. In that moment the stares of onlookers, the tasks piling up and the rising volume can put a parent’s own nervous system on alert too.
This does not make you a bad parent. Your child feeling intense emotions does not make them a bad or spoiled child either. The issue to be solved here is not the existence of the emotion; it is helping your child carry that emotion safely.
Is the crisis happening right now? You can jump straight to the step by step during a crisis section.
The short answer
During a crisis, keep three goals in mind:
Leave long explanations, lectures and problem-solving for after the crisis. Even if your child seems to be listening during a moment of intense arousal, it is hard for them to make use of new information.
What is behind this behavior?
Young children can feel big emotions; but their skills for regulating those emotions are not yet at an adult level. Waiting, accepting that a wish is postponed, leaving one activity to move to another, and putting frustration into words are all developing skills.
Dan Siegel’s “hand model of the brain” is a simple explanatory model used to describe how the lower brain systems come to the fore during intense emotion, and how access to higher-level skills such as thinking, planning and stopping an impulse temporarily becomes harder. This model does not explain every one of a child’s behaviors on its own; but it helps make sense of why long reasoning conversations often do not work during a crisis.
Tantrums often grow out of hunger, tiredness, overstimulation, an abrupt transition, being thwarted, or a need for control. Examining what comes before the behavior gives more lasting results than only managing the moment of crisis.
A pedagogical perspective: connection first, then guidance
In Siegel and Bryson’s approach, in a hard moment the child benefits from the calm and secure presence of the adult. In developmental science this is called co-regulation. The parent does not accept all of the child’s demands; through their own tone of voice, physical calm and consistency they send the child the message “This emotion is big, but we can carry it together.”
John Gottman’s emotion coaching approach likewise emphasizes naming and accepting the emotion, while setting a limit on the behavior when needed. Saying “You can be angry” is not the same as saying “you can hit.” Room is made for the emotion, and the harmful behavior is stopped.
What these two approaches share is this: calming down and teaching are not the same moment. At the peak of the crisis, safety and connection are needed; after the crisis, a brief review and skill teaching are needed.
An Islamic upbringing perspective: compassion and the limit together
In raising a child, mercy, patience and protecting their dignity are essential. Shaming, frightening or humiliating a child in front of others may suppress the behavior briefly, but it wounds trust in the heart. Anas ibn Malik reports that, although he served the Prophet for ten years, he was never once told “uff” nor rebuked with “why did you do this?” (Sahih al-Bukhari, Adab 39; Sahih Muslim, Fada’il 51 - sahih).
Compassion is not fulfilling every wish. True compassion is being able to hold the right limit without belittling the child’s emotion. In a moment of crisis, the parent chooses composure rather than escalating their own anger. The Quran describes the people of taqwa as follows:
“Who spend [in the cause of Allah] during ease and hardship and who restrain anger and who pardon the people - and Allah loves the doers of good.”
- Surah Al-i Imran, verse 134 (Sahih International - quran.com)
The parent stops the harm, but does not leave the child deprived of love.
The emotion of anger is not wholly bad. It carries the power of protection and of signaling a boundary. The hadith “The strong person is not the one who overcomes people in wrestling; the truly strong one is the one who controls himself when angry” also supports this measure (Sahih al-Bukhari, Adab 76; Sahih Muslim, Birr 107 - sahih). The aim of upbringing is not to erase this emotion, but to teach expressing it in a measured and safe way.
As can be seen, where modern developmental science calls this “co-regulation,” the tradition of upbringing calls it “compassion together with the limit”; both traditions point to the same compassion-limit balance, and they meet in saying that in a crisis it is safety and connection first, then teaching.
Step by step: what should you do during a crisis?
1. First, lower your own pace
Pause for a second. Relax your shoulders, slow your breathing and deliberately lower your voice. If you are very angry, without compromising safety, take a short distance or ask another adult for support. If there is no one else with you (if you are on your own, in a shop or on public transport), planning in advance to safely take your child with you and move to a calmer spot is also an option.
Remind yourself of this sentence: “Right now it is not time to give a lesson, it is time to keep things safe.”
2. Keep everyone safe
First, check whether there is any immediate danger. If the child is running toward traffic or the stairs, or is harming themselves or a baby, first gently bring their body to safety; leave calming down and talking for a moment later. Physical safety always comes first.
If there is no direct danger: move dangerous objects away, stop attempts to hit or kick without causing harm, and do not get into an unnecessary physical struggle.
A short distinction is useful: Is the tantrum arising from a thwarted wish (a toy was not bought, it was time to leave the park), or does the child look overloaded by noise, crowds or tiredness? With anger that stems from being thwarted, a calm limit is held. In a crisis that stems from overload (being overwhelmed), instead of tugging at the limit you need to reduce the stimulation: lowering the noise, the light and the demand and moving the child to a calmer place is not a concession, it is first aid. This distinction matters especially in children with sensory sensitivity or those who experience these reactions often.
Speak briefly and clearly:
“You’re angry. I won’t let you hit.”
If the child is safe, do not try to stop the crying at once. Crying can be part of an emotional release.
3. Name the emotion, do not grant the demand
Reflect what your child is going through in one or two sentences:
“You got really angry because we couldn’t get the toy.”
“You don’t want to leave the park. You were having fun.”
Then add the limit:
“We’re not getting the toy today.”
“It’s time to go home now.”
Do not repeat the same explanation in ten different ways. A calm sentence and consistent behavior are usually more effective.
4. Talk less, stay near
While the crisis is high, showering the child with questions, waiting for an apology or saying “Why are you doing this?” can add to the child’s load. Stay at a safe distance. If the child accepts contact you can hold out your hand or offer a hug; if they do not want it, do not force it.
“I’m here. When you’re ready, I’ll help you.”
Do not force eye contact. Some children regulate themselves during intense arousal by avoiding gaze.
5. Do not open the limit to negotiation
Offering candy, a screen or a toy in that moment to quiet the child can unintentionally build a link between the crisis and a reward. Accept the emotion; but do not change the reasonable limit you set earlier just to make the screaming stop.
This does not mean becoming rigid. If the child is hungry, giving food; if they are tired, going home; or if the setting is overstimulating, moving to a calmer place is meeting a basic need; it is not a concession.
6. Wait for signs of calming
The voice quieting, the breathing slowing, the body relaxing or seeking closeness can show that the child is ready to reconnect. At that point offer a hug, give water or sit quietly side by side.
Do not launch into a long conversation the instant the crisis ends. First give the nervous system time to truly settle.
What can you say?
Use short sentences:
Avoid:
What should you do after the crisis?
When the child has fully calmed down, keep the conversation short. First connect, then name what happened:
“You got really angry when you couldn’t get the toy. You tried to hit me. You can be angry, but you can’t hit.”
Then teach an alternative:
“Next time you can say ‘I’m really angry,’ and instead of stamping your foot you can squeeze your hands and let go, or ask me for help.”
Help the child make repairs. Picking up knocked-over objects together, or asking the person who was hurt whether they are okay, teaches responsibility without shaming.
Finally, think about the trigger: Was the child hungry? Was the transition abrupt? Was the expectation appropriate for their age? Make a preventive plan for next time.
What can you do in advance to reduce crises?
The goal is not to eliminate tantrums entirely. The goal is to reduce their frequency and intensity over time; to grow the child’s skills in vocabulary, waiting and self-regulation.
Common mistakes to avoid
Yelling or using physical punishment
It heightens the child’s alarm and can model the use of force. Use the least intervention needed to keep things safe.
Shaming and labeling
Words like “You’re acting like a baby” or “You’re always like this anyway” target the personality rather than the behavior. Instead of correcting their mistake, the child may begin to see themselves as bad.
Giving a long lecture in the middle of the crisis
When a child is intensely aroused, their capacity to process information drops. Leave teaching for a calm time.
Automatically treating crying as manipulation
Although the function of the behavior matters, not every cry is a deliberate attempt at control. First consider the possibilities of hunger, pain, fear, tiredness and overstimulation.
Withdrawing love
Setting a limit and sulking are not the same thing. Even when the child behaves wrongly, keep the message that the relationship is secure.
Adapting it for ages 3-5
At this age, choices should be few and concrete. Instead of long explanations, use one-sentence limits. If “What are you feeling?” is too hard, offer a guess: “Are you feeling angry, or sad?”
During a calm time you can practice a simple plan:
The “calm corner” is not a place of punishment; it should be a safe space with a cushion, books or emotion cards, where the child can regroup with an adult alongside them.
When should you seek professional support?
If one of the following is the case, get an assessment from a pediatrician or a child mental health specialist:
Asking for professional support is not a failure; it is a way of finding the solution that fits your family sooner.
A mini plan for today
Your child will not learn to manage their emotions in a single day. And you do not have to manage every crisis flawlessly. As calm, a safe limit and reconnecting after the crisis are repeated, the child learns that big emotions can be carried without breaking the relationship.
Sources
Pedagogical sources
Religious sources
Image note: The images in this article are topic-appropriate, license-cleared stock images; frames were chosen to protect children’s faces and privacy. The source and license information for each image is given in the image caption.
Content note: This article was compiled with AI assistance, drawing on reliable pedagogical sources and verified religious sources; it was editorially reviewed before publication. This does not replace medical or psychological diagnosis; consult a professional in concerning situations. Quran verses are quoted from the approved translation (Sahih International for English).
